Startup life

I have the place to myself. I’m still not used to relying on the generosity of friends. It’s foreign and uncomfortable but I’m really grateful to the friends I have who have opened their lives and homes to me. It’s not sustainable nor do I want it to be but I couldn’t survive without it and that’s not a feeling I’m particularly enjoying. I’m making a lot of sacrifices but the truth is, I’m not sure what else I’d be doing right now if I weren’t here and weren’t doing what I’m doing. I’m definitely sacrificing income and time but I do believe it’s for the best. I do feel like I’m investing in something, in my future and that’s probably the one thing that keeps me going cause the truth is, I’m dealing with a bout of depression right now. I have a hard time managing the incredibly tiny amount of energy that I have. I can barely get out of bed. I work from bed, entertain myself from bed and for a few short hours of the day, I manage to get myself to the desk in my room to churn out a minimum level of productivity. That being said, while I don’t feel particularly productive I do feel like an entrepreneur. Weird huh?

Sacrifices. Whenever you read stories about anyone trying to get a startup on its feet, they always talk about the sacrifices. I’m there. Sacrificing my health, my time, my money, my life. It’s so sad but at the same time, there isn’t much else I’d rather be doing. I just wish I could take pleasure in it and I’m not. Don’t get me wrong, I am getting a certain satisfaction from getting stuff done, but the more I do, the more it seems there’s stuff to do. And the worst part is, I feel so completely and utterly alone in all this. It’s not loneliness. I mean, I can’t say I’m not feeling a certain amount of loneliness, but that’s not the issue. I feel alone. My future, my plans, my progress rests completely on my shoulders and that’s heavy. I can’t rely on anyone else, nor should I, but it’s so much work. I wish I had the energy to lead a more balanced life but no matter how much I want or how hard I try, I just can’t summon it. And it’s not just the weather. I’m anxious. Constantly anxious. It sucks. I tremble on a regular basis. Sometimes due to being cold and others due to certain topics I’m noticing touch me at the core. I had a conversation earlier with Manu and even though i wasn’t cold, I started trembling. I know why but it feels like an unresolved issue and it’s something that’s been happening on a semi-regular basis. Throw in the crisp fall weather and I’m in a pretty regular state of discomfort. Ugh.

There are so many things I’m not attending to. I’m honestly overwhelmed and just plugging holes at this point. And sadly, I’m not plugging enough or fast enough. The canoe is sinking. It’s a slow sink, slow enough to give me the feeling that I’m not going to drown or that some miracle will save me, but it’s undeniable that it’s sinking. What keeps me going is the fact that I’m getting closer to the goals I set out at the beginning of the year and though that’s progress, the rest just seems to be being neglected and that’s the sinking part. I constantly need to remind myself that I set out to transition from one business to another, from one lifestyle to another. I haven’t fully achieved the goals I’ve set out but I am getting close. I need to keep my eyes on the prize and not lose sight of that. I still have 3 months left to achieve what I set out. I’m close and it’s certainly doable. I knew this would be a tough year, full of vulnerability and sacrifice. It’s proven to be just that. It’s lonely, solitary, it’s not fun and it’s full or responsibility towards myself and towards my future but it’s all for something I believe in, right? 2017. Ugh. It’s gone by so fast but it’s also been so devoid of adventure and pleasure. I’m learning a lot but it’s not the kind of learning that just fills you up and keeps you motivated and inspired. So be it. Let’s see where I am in 3 more months, ya?

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