I dunno. Just 2020.

Me again. Trying to make this another one of my new habits. I’ve created a bunch of new habits lately and I figure this is another that might benefit me. An old friend I haven’t really been in touch with in a long time up until recently. 

Truth is, I’m feeling pretty emotional today. Just in the past couple hours really but I’m just felt restless and a bit weird and I guess I figured this would help relieve some of that. I don’t know what the issue is. I’ve been doing really well. Really well. As I mentioned in my last message, I’m super proud of myself. I even weighed myself today and I’ve lost 5lbs which I’ve never tried to do up until a couple months ago, cause I’ve always tried to gain weight but there you go. Fat has been transformed into muscle to a certain extent and some fat has also just melted away and it shows. I feel it, I see it. Great. Maybe another 5 to lose and more muscle to build but I’m in no rush. The work feels good. So, ya, that’s not the issue. 

Work? Ya, it’s going good. It’s not moving quite as fast as I hoped but I’m really doing well. I’ve focused all my attention on my Upwork “career” and I’m rocking it so far. So, great. So it’s not work though I’m sure there’s a bit of disappointment that I’m not moving a bit faster. It’s a ton of work man. In all honesty, I have been working harder and more consistently and intensely than I think I ever have in my life. Sure I might have short periods where I might have worked more, but that might have lasted 3, 4, 5 days not 2+ months. And ya, there’s a part of me that feels a sense of satisfaction and pride in terms of being so productive but in another I wonder if this is sustainable. Maybe it is. Maybe this is what over-achievers feel like all the time. I don’t know but it feels foreign to me and that always makes me doubt. I guess time will tell. So, I don’t think how I’m feeling is about that. 

Do I miss friends, Magdalena, any sort of connection, absolutely, but I don’t think that’s it either. I have a tendency to have these emotional days every once in a while, particularly after a night where I’ve had a couple drinks but sometimes, there’s no connection. Tonight’s been one of those. 

It could have something to do with getting a salient reminder of the fact that an old friend is likely living her last months. Katy’s been fighting cancer for a while now and they’ve basically told her there’s little chance she’ll survive. I knew it was bad. I didn’t know it was this bad until recently. And speaking to her a few ago was depressing. Tonight I found out there’s a gofundme campaign to try to pay for her $200k medical treatment. In Canada! Fuck. So ya, I think that kicked this off. Finding out about that just after buying a new laptop was bad timing. I had spent a bunch of money on a laptop then found out about the campaign and wanted to donate more but that laptop had already set me back. So now, there’s a sense of guilt there too. Ugh. So ya, that didn’t help. Katy and I have never been super close. We all used to hang out late into the night, listening to music, smoking too much, and talking for hours, because my place was the afterhours place for years. There was always a barrier between us. Some level of intimacy neither of us was either willing, capable or interested in breaching and that was fine. She doesn’t deserve the pain and suffering she’s living through. Her son, doesn’t deserve to lose his mother like this. It’s tragic, sad and my first real experience of losing someone I’ve spent so much time with, to cancer. I haven’t been in touch with her in almost 10 years, but at one point we did spend a lot of time together. She, me, Jad, Abe and whoever else was up at 3am. I hope she makes it out of this. It’s so surreal. She’s barely 40. 

Ya, that may have been a trigger but I’m just feeling weird right now and I don’t think it’s all based on that. I mean I’ve know her situation for a while now. Maybe the fact that I’m having one of my rare moments of not working is messing with my head. That unsustainability I was talking about? Maybe. Maybe the lack of contact, of intimacy, of conversation is getting to me. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a passing thing but it’s not rare and it does tend to happen when I’m not quite as busy. 

You know, as I write this, I can’t help but feel like I’m writing something that points to emotional denial or self-neglect. Maybe. I have my doubts about that but I can’t just ignore the possibility. Let’s be honest dude, you’re not going to get through 2020 without some emotional moments. You’ve experienced a lot, as we all have. You’ve been super lucky but it doesn’t mean you’re unscathed. Life isn’t just fine and dandy. The world is upside down. It’s sad and heavy and it’s uglier than ever. It truly sucks. There’s no obvious symbol of positivity. No country stands out as a beacon of hope or competence even. Humans are complacent, selfish and oblivious, and those who aren’t are overbearing. Yes, I include myself in both those groups. 

Ugh, the world sucks. It’s true. I saw a video that Erin shared with me. A huge group of kids in a virtual choir. It made me cry. It was beautiful. But it also just reminded me simultaneously of how incredible people are and how shitty the world is. I’m a bit tired I guess. In a sense I want some time off but I truly don’t know what I would do with it. Work is the only thing that actually makes sense right now. I can’t go anywhere, can’t do anything, can’t spend time with anyone. When I do have time to think about it, it’s brutal. And I’m leaving in a month and a bit and I have tons of worries about that too. So, ya, I guess it makes sense that I’m a bit emotional. 

Anyway, it’s a Friday dude, Miami, Florida, some day in December in the worst year the world has known in a very long time and well, this is what’s going on right now.  People are dying, including a friend. There’s nothing safe to do these days, and well, who cares cause it’s not like I could anyway. Besides, my priorities have completely shifted lately so, technically I don’t care. Until i do. Anyway, thought I’d share this with you. 

Oh, just a side note. 1.5 years after starting my German journey, I’ve got Inglourious Basterds on in the background and when the Germans are speaking I don’t understand a fucking thing. That’s really disappointing. Other times, in music, other movies, I’ve managed to but tonight, nothing. Maybe in a few years when you read this, you’ll actually be able to say you understand it all. Good luck. 

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