Let me take the opportunity now, in this moment because moments are fleeting and things never stay the same. I’m overflowing with love. Love for myself, for the people in my orbit, in my life; those who have stood by me, even those who haven’t. I have noticed that sharing that love often makes people uncomfortable. What a stupid thing for people to feel uncomfortable about receiving the love of another, but sadly this is the world we find ourselves in, and as much as I wish that would change, I need to recognize that my intention is not to make others uncomfortable and that that may require not sharing it. So, my trusty old friend, you will have to do.
But… with you I can say anything so let me just say ” I FUCKING LOOOOVE” what’s happening in my life. I love how I feel, I love how I look. I love the decision I make, the results I’m cultivating, the contributions I’m making. No, it’s not perfect. I have plenty of moments where I wish I did better. More patient with mom, less patient with Leita, more open here, less open there. All the finesses of life are not mastered. I’m not perfect. And I am still often too hard on me but you know what, I’m better than I have been and I’m loving how it feels to be that.
I get out of the shower and I see myself in the mirror and I fall in love. I know, i know. That don’t sound good, but honestly, fuck it. It’s true. I love the efforts I’m putting in. I love that I fall short but I still keep trying, keep pushing. I love that I’m not longer expecting perfection and I’m fine with it. No, I don’t look like the ideal but fuck I feel like I look better than I ever have. This is the guy I’ve always wanted to look like and there are still things I want to work on, improve, shape, carve, whatever but it doesn’t take anything away from how I feel. But more importantly, this, all this, is just a metaphor for my life in general. It’s not how I look that I’m really talking about. That’s just a representation of how I feel. That’s the perfect mirror of where I am in life and there’s a HUGE part of me that wants to just share that with anyone, everyone. But sadly, there’s really no one to share that with. That’s the singular most sad thing about my life atm.
Let’s face it, who wants to hear this shit? But it’s also just sad that I don’t really feel there’s anyone close who I can shed all this onto. Why are we so petty, so small? It bothers me on one level and on the other, I also recognize that there are those out there who wouldn’t share that with me if they were feeling what I’m feeling. So, I can’t be a hypocrite. I still find it sad.
But suffice it to say, that the past few months, haven’t been perfect but goddamn it, if the rest of my is anything close to what I’ve been experiencing lately, the I will die one of the luckiest creatures to have lived. I’m truly blessed, grateful, lucky and free for the first time in what feels like forever.
It’s pride. It’s not hubris, but it’s pride. I’m proud of me. I’m proud of how I’ve been handling things. Proud of the the mistakes I’m not making and accepting of the mistakes that I am. It’s pride of the little steps and a positive dismissal of the steps not taken that should be. And it’s for this reason I find myself dancing almost every day. Not for long. A few minutes here. A minute there. Some track that tugs at me, but I can’t remember the last time I danced a little bit every day. I have this picture of my early 30s, or my 20s but not since then and I love that I’m reconnecting with that. I’m stiff. I’ve lost any grace I might have once had, if I ever had it, but it feels good. That’s the thing and I can’t deny Adriene’s role in this, but things feel good and she likely plays a part in that. But in the end, she doesn’t exist without me letting her into my life to fill it even if only for a few minutes a day.
So dude, keep dancing, carry it with you wherever you go from here. Enjoy the bounties that life has set aside for you now because you and I both know that tomorrow, the day after, a week from now, this could all be but a beautiful memory and the hardships of life might crash back down upon you. But for now, let’s just recognize the beauty, the process, the love that you’ve been swimming in for almost exactly a year now.
And to all of you out there, none of whose eyes will ever see this but whose souls I’ve connected to this message board, I am sending you all this abundance of love that I am feeling. I am thanking you for all that you’ve given me, taught me, shown me and even for the pain that you have unknowingly inflicted that has helped shape every moment up until this perfect one right here. I love you guys, I thank you guys and I hope that one day I can share this, that, with all of you in a way that is real, impactful and most important comfortable.
It’s February 2021. I shouldn’t be this happy. There’s been a pandemic raging for over a year but it’s marked some of the most significant moments of my life. Thank you.