On me

2015 started with a party, followed by a bit of traveling with V to the blue seas of the Caribbean. A few months later I was off to start this life of mine. 2015 was a year of adventure and the discovery of a new and wondrous world. It was balanced and grounded up until the very end. Or so it appeared. 2016 started with a mistake that will stay with me for a long time, as it should, but unlike 2015, this year was one of a different kind of discovery and one of imbalance, distraction, and mistakes throughout. If 2015 was the year of light, 2016 belonged to the dark side. But the truth is 2015 taught me little about myself and 2016 will end with me having uncovered some much deeper truths, many of them unpleasant about who I really am and what issues lie beneath the surface. 2015 might have been full of hope and connection with the world and those who travel upon it but 2016 will be the year that helps shape who I become, not in spite of the mistakes but due to them. It’s now been over 20 months of geographic instability. In 4 months I will have completed 2 revolutions around the sun as a hermit, nomad, backpacker, lost soul. Based on the original plan, in 4 months I would have been returning to Montreal to begin a life with V as my partner, with plans to start a family and live a more conventional life. I still mourn that; not the conventional life that I know would not have been right for me, not at this time, but the partnership with such an incredible woman at least for a while longer would have felt right until the truth would have begun to crawl through my skin to the surface. I am not right for her. I’m not right for that life. Not today.

I never imagined I would become addicted to this way of life, crawling along the highways of the world in search of truth and honesty, falling short of both more often than I care to admit to myself. But here I am, once more on a bus, this one for 26 hours, just in time. I needed this exact ride at this exact time to be followed by an arrival into the city that has called my name for years. There’s a lot to digest. I got to see some of my strengths in 2015, and in 2016 all my failures and faults bubbled up to the surface to keep me humbled and ashamed but to remind me that life isn’t supposed to be a passive exercise, that the entire point is to push and push through, to accept both sides of you and change those things that keep you from achieving the goals you’ve set out. Life is about the constant practice of every aspect of who you want to be. They’re can be no breaks, no rest stops. You don’t get to choose when you are going to be at your best and when you won’t and you shouldn’t have to. With time, constant practice becomes the norm and over time becomes YOU; easy, comfortable, and real.

2017? That’s application. 2016 was the theory, looking inside, often failing to see what was staring me in the face then finally getting a glimpse just in time for the end of the year. 2017 is where theory will be applied to the real world, where I turn the lessons and the visions into the efforts needed to be what I’ve learned.

It’s not true that “in life you don’t get second chances”. The truth is you have an unlimited number of chances to make changes. Every second of every day is an opportunity to change, to reconsider, to learn, to apply yourself and improve your options, and that’s true for every echelon of existence, regardless of where you started or where you are. I plan on taking advantage of this fact in 2017. I’ve already begun, slightly ahead of schedule, but years after I should have.

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