Just words…

Well, here we go again. It’s been three years since my last confession. But more and more lately, I’ve been feeling like it’s time I start sharing some thoughts again. But this time, things are a bit different. 

When I first started this blog, it felt like the right thing to do partly because it was the common thing to do. You travel, and if you like writing, you create a blog. Given I have the resources and expertise, there didn’t seem to be a reason not to. But I also felt it was a good way to share my experiences with others. Anyone who might be interested in following along. But as time went by, I came to realize that, no one cares. And why would I think otherwise. I mean, whose blogs do I read? Why would I think it would be any different in the flipped orientation? But then I went through a pretty intense emotional experience with my ex in 2016, and then this space turned into something very different and much more personal. It became a friend and the only place I had to release some of the angst I was feeling. I was drowning in guilt and pain and loneliness and sorrow and disappointment and nowhere to share it and so, armed with the knowledge that literally only 3 people were still following my blog, I decided I would use it as an emotional journal. And it helped. It helped much like I think writing novels help authors, or therapy helps, or spiritual awakenings help. But today, 3 years since my last post, knowing now that literally no one reads this, I have this interesting space that is technically public but invisible and there’s something special there. It’s there for all to see, but for no one to find and that makes it particularly attractive. 

So, what is it today? Well, it’s my journal today more than ever. No pressure. No sense of obligation, no timelines. I’m in a very different place today than I have been. In a healthier place. In a stronger place. Life has changed. Covid is ravaging western civilization, I’ve spent close to 9 months with my family – something I haven’t done since I was 17 – and I haven’t had a change of scenery in a very long time. But I’m strangely at peace with it. Yes, I’m more bored than usual. Yes, I’m annoyed at times, but I’m not sure that’s more than usual. The truth is, 2020 has been incredibly generous to me. My family is healthy, I’m healthy. My professional life is really taking on a new dimension, my sense of self is changing. I’m trying. Trying to grow, trying to be a better person to those around me. Trying to understand myself a bit better, trying to be more honest with myself. It’s been really positive. This journey that I started almost 6 years ago continues and new avenues keep opening up. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my tough times, I’ve dealt with the loneliness and the shame, the disconnection and the self-hatred, and it’s not all gravy, but 2020 has been incredibly healthy for me. I’ve made really good decisions this year. From the small to the large, things have just clicked. It’s not to say I haven’t made my mistakes, communicated in ways that might have been misunderstood, said too much or too little, made less effort than I should or more effort than was best. The regular mistakes of life are still present, but they’re small, and they’re irrelevant. They don’t impact my life in any significant way. Sure, I continue to be misunderstood, but I see why and I honestly couldn’t be bothered to try to make things right.  And more importantly, the more useful lesson I’ve learned is that it’s not even worth trying because we all carry our biases, we all carry our beliefs into whatever we do and I can’t change that in others. I should have learned this earlier. I did in fact, but life is a funny thing and some lessons fade or get superseded and need to be relearnt. That’s ok. As long as these aren’t lessons I have to keep relearning, I’m ok with a bit of overlap and duplication here and there. But for now, I’m done. Done trying to convince others, done trying to communicate when the outcome is a foregone conclusion. I have to ask myself why I keep putting myself in similar situations, with similar personalities. We all have our patterns. Maybe this reinforcing lesson will help me avoid those mistakes next time. Don’t get me wrong, 2020, ya, awesome year on a personal and career growth level, but personal growth implies asking questions and hopefully finding answers, right? So, let’s do that. 

So, here I am. November, 2020. I just wanted to say hi and that I might be back from time to time to leave a message. Love you dude, and you’re doing awesome. Don’t forget where you were in this moment, how you felt and where your eyes were set.  

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